04

“is there anything interesting or why are you starring at me?”

“i am not starring at you.”

“you are starring at me!! “

what is this contradiction , i speak a language that i don’t know, i dig in my unconscious and have to trust my non connected organs to digest bits that i never asked for.
i am analysing people i meet, even the ones i share some desires with, i put them into the black box that i need to understand this complexity.
how much of a beast can i be.
i am poorly navigating this body in systems of opression,
“i really like your outfit”
yes thanks that really helps my boring as way of constructing an identity in this body denying system pool.
how much of a feedback loop can i be.
new weapons:
radical community
—>>> don’t even know one single person that I’ve had a conversation with who wants to do this. which I don’t get because everyone’s fucking depressed.
i keep on acting in this socially acceptable role until a body reacts in a way that is not filled with jealousy even though what to be jealous of i have nothing i am nothing.
being a man or being a women is committing to a black and white system that doesn’t understand fluidity. there has to be a way of resistance.
how is it that my brain only functions on noise or black metal

the wind is so loud it denies my audio access to the moving image that is meant to take my mind to a consumption place - now the wifi denies access to the moving image - i am incredibly tired.
my most recent virtual experience that had nothing to do with me sitting with a screen on my lab happened a few hours ago when i was asleep.
i was running away from a gang, i was overwhelmingly scared. i was running with someone i was reading as male, he was faster than me, i had cards with me that would allow me to access my money, this gang behind us wanted those cards, i kept running, i felt sexualised by them, i was so fucking scared. then i woke up. my thought went into a horrible spiral of what am i doing in this city, i should be somewhere less overpopulated. now that i have watched quite a lot of random content about technopaganism i feel more content and i am ok with not getting any sleep.
now that i don’t use the ((übergriffig)) social identity selling interface anymore i am addicted to the algorithm of trashy moving image content, it controls my mind to an extend where i fuel my body with things that i see on there. think global act local. really?? that can’t be it. i am so tired. at least i can get a signal from my body this way. new ways of interaction. very masochistic